Thoughts on Hospitality + Formation

There's a unique relationship between hospitality and our personal formation, and for the past several years my curiosity regarding hospitality has led to questions such as:

What is it...really? Where do I see it in the Bible? What does it look like to show hospitality in my daily life? How do hospitality and interior design (a specific focus of mine) intersect? What’s the relationship between hospitality and who we are becoming? And so on.

What stuck with me as I considered these questions is the reality that we are all being formed in the big and small areas of daily living. Whether it’s our habits, what we read or watch, anything we engage in, all of it impacts who we are becoming. And I propose that hospitality be a part of that formation process.

As we show hospitality, serving others with Love, we testify about Christ to the world. And in the process, we are deeply formed into people of greater awareness, generosity, welcome and service, too.

There are many ways hospitality can form us, but ultimately…

Hospitality transforms our hearts (when surrendered to the Holy Spirit)

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul says that we can do many things, but if we do them without love, they are meaningless. Hospitality motivated by and exercised in Love will transform us. It will soften our hearts and bring about compassion as we serve others. But I’m not talking about just any love. I’m talking about God’s Love. When we show hospitality not from our own strength but with the Love of God as our source, then we can partner with God to love His creation - both human beings made in the image of God and the world we dwell in.

This became particularly clear in my experience at home with my own family. I used to consider hospitality as something shown to those who I invited into my home. I didn’t always consider hospitality as something I offer to those living in my home, too. Now there are some differences to inviting your small group or colleague over for dinner. Even if you do it regularly, it’s still an event with a start and stop time (generally speaking). This is a great thing and I encourage you - please keep doing it! But I had to check my own heart when I realized how readily I could offer patience and generosity to those I invited in at the set times I planned versus the generosity and patience required to my husband or my kids. For you, it may be a roommate, a parent or your own spouse and kids. But whoever it is, it’s the daily recurrence of presence that can sometimes dull the passion and desire to be a welcoming, generous and patient person of service and love toward them.

Now before you get concerned - this isn’t about perfection or even saying that the “nuclear family is all that matters” especially if you’re someone who lives with roommates or extended family members. I believe the word “family” is much, much more expansive than that. This is actually a conversation about reliance and being with God.

There are boundaries that need to be in place. I may not ask a guest to clean their own dishes or sweep the floors (though sometimes they do and BLESS THEM for it) but I absolutely invite my kids into that. They have chores and responsibilities. It’s good for them, it gives them a sense of belonging and place. It teaches that work is good and a gift, though it may not always feel like it. We’re a team and they know that means we all contribute. Dad, Mom, Kids - no one is too good to clean the toilets. So, I’m not saying that Brandon and the kids (or me!) should be treated exactly the same as a guest in terms of the roles they play in our home, but I am saying that with the fervency I seek to love others well, I personally was greatly humbled when I realized that I didn’t extend that same passion to my own family.

I’ll pause because Brandon says I give myself too hard of a time, so lest you think the same here’s the caveat - yes I love my family and sacrifice for them in many ways. Ask my pelvic floor, for example. Wow has she been sacrificed. BUT, I think we can all agree that you know in your heart when you are willing vs. when you’re unwilling. When you joyfully choose to do something and when you begrudgingly (and dare I say angrily, with annoyance, or with a bit of self-pity) do something. We are human. We need breaks and rest, etc. I am not not saying that. In fact, that’s why I’m writing this. Because I also know that in this case, it was more than a person needing a break. I needed a new heart posture. I thought I was relying on God in our showing hospitality, but I wasn’t. I was relying on my ability because there were set start and end times to my offering. But when it came to the daily requirements of loving my first neighbors (the people I live with), it was much, much harder because there was no start and end. It was every. single. day. I had to go back to God.

I had to admit that I was relying a whole lot on my very capable self. I am a high-capacity person, this is a good thing. But, like anything good or bad, it can become an idol, a source of strength when it wasn’t meant to be. I had to stop relying on my own reserves but instead ask Him to show me how to love when I did and when I didn’t want to. God had to reveal my escapism tendencies and how often I chose them over presence. He has to help me learn to say no and yes to the things He is placing before me. The list goes on and I’m still very much in process of this, but what has been freeing is that as I learn to rely on God, I also learn to set boundaries, to not seek to do it all but instead, to actually value rest (and create regular rhythms of it) and confront my own fear of peoples’ opinions of me and seeking affirmation through people-pleasing, among other things. And most importantly, to set better expectations for myself (still working hard on this one though). And I have to seek the Holy Spirit to help me choose presence when I’d much, much rather put in my earbuds and listen to another podcast.

For you, it may be different. Perhaps you are very good at caring for your first neighbors and less inclined to care for those in your community. My hope is that we can hold the responsibility of serving those in our care as an honor and gift but not to the exclusion of caring for those in our community. I pray we also are not people who serve in our community while neglecting those in our direct care. May we seek to be lovers of the both/and dynamic because what I’ve found is that this process has taught me how to more deeply love all of those around me, both people in my home and outside of it. And while I have much maturing to experience in this, I am grateful to have at least gone from a crawling baby to a wobbling walking one. And so I wonder, what or who is it for you? Who do you struggle to be hospitable toward? How can relying on God help you with that person or situation?

There is much more to say on the topic of being with God, of relying on the Holy Spirit to grant the power needed to live as Jesus has invited us to, but I want to end with this:

For the one who desires to open your home, your business, your small group, whatever it may be, for the person who desires to show hospitality, remember first that there is a God who loves you, who seeks to know you, so give yourself to God. Be in relationship and enjoy the pleasure of being known, being welcomed, being loved and take time to get to know and love Him, too. Then from that place of wholeness go, serve and welcome others.

Onward in hope.